Seven Oaks Magazine.

Unable to land a real celebrity interview for this – or, really, any other – week, Seven Oaks has decided to try its hand in the tried and tested realm of fake celebrity interviews, for this week only. Given the high profile afforded to “Rock for Change,” the mega-tour of anti-Bush rockers, we thought it appropriate to imagine a discussion with pro-Kerry frontman Bruce Springsteen. Seven answers have been divined from the Boss’s lyrics. Next week, we’ll be back to real interviews.

1. Bruce, how do you explain the Bush administration’s brutal and naked return to open imperialism overseas?

Bruce Springsteen: “Poor man wanna be rich/Rich man wanna be king/ And a king ain’t satisfied/ ‘Til he rules everything.”

2. To be honest with you, Bruce, Kerry seems like sort of a weak alternative from up here; he was pro-Patriot Act, pro-war – how do most “progressive” Americans rationalize their support for him? What would you say to him to voice your concerns?

BS: “You ain’t a beauty/ but hey, you’re alright/ And that’s alright with me.”

3 You aren’t troubled by Kerry’s fall from grace? As an anti-war activist, he was an inspiration, now he’s more of a parody.

BS: “Glory days/ They’ll pass you by… in the wink of [Teresa Heinz-Kerry]’s eye.”

4. Despite the concerns engendered by mass blackouts and brownouts in urban America – for example, in California and New York – energy monopolies like Halliburton are engaged in overseas war profiteering. Does the US Army not run the risk of looking like a gang of mercenaries?

BS: “This gun’s for hire/ Even if we’re just dancin’ in the dark.”

5. What do you think of Ralph Nader’s decision to follow through with his controversial campaign for president? What keeps him in the race?

BS: “Tramps like us/ Baby we were born to run.”

6. You’re widely identified with the kinds of progressive oppositional rallies we saw in New York City recently, outside the GOP convention. Wasn’t it a strange decision to hold that convention in New York, given the general political context there? I mean, where would protesters have been if the convention had been held in, say, Pennsylvania?

BS: “On the streets of Philadelphia.”

7. Fair enough. Last question – what state do you think might really surprise us up here in Canada? Where will all the election night fireworks be?

We at Seven Oaks kindly thank Bruce Springsteen, the E Street Band, and their legal representation in advance for not suing us.