Seven Oaks Magazine.

In answering the old riddle, "What's the difference between a legion hall and a Viagra commercial?" pharmaceutical giant Pfizer recently included the image of a sardar (a bearded, turban-wearing Sikh) in a major ad campaign extolling the borderless virtues of the boner. In the spot, men of various nationalities go about their morning rituals with mile-wide grins, with the sardar singing gleefully in the shower. Seven Oaks staff contributor Tejpal Singh Swatch, himself a member of the bearded diaspora and pop culture devotee, has waited since childhood for the appearance in the mainstream of a familiar face. We sat down with him to discuss an emotion which, until now, Viagra had only brought to women: dissatisfaction.

Charles Demers: Besides the footage of the Air India case, are you used to seeing images of people in turbans on television?

Tejpal Singh Swatch: Absolutely not. Every time a turban is shown on television, it is usually worn by someone accused of a violent, horrible act. A man in a turban is sabotaging a plane, executing a disobedient drug runner, piping a future premier, or hurtling a cab through oncoming traffic - and that's just the six o'clock news. So, when I was told of a brother representing the Khalsa in a Viagra commercial, I was excited.

C.D.: So, this guy in the Viagra commercial - has the sardar finally "arrived" in pop culture?

T.S.S.: You'd think including a Sikh man showering, post-coitus, in the glow of a brand new day would mark the bringing into the fold of a significant, very visible minority. You'd think, "Finally, the white yogurt of the North American pop culture landscape will be spiced by the brown, exotic pepper of a splendid Sikh man." You'd think all this, but you would be wrong.

Embracing and recognizing members of North America's visible minorities would be a welcome step if purveyors of pop culture would do a modicum of research. Why the fuck is the man wearing a full turban and groomed beard in the shower? Isn't it obvious that such an elaborate grooming procedure would be left to after one has washed and dried one's hair?

C.D.: Do you all leave them on while you shower? Is it against your ten commandments to take them off?

T.S.S.: No, we don't leave them on in the shower! The first time we have a Sikh man on television not planning to, actually, or answering for killing someone, it's all confusingly, horribly wrong. Now people are actually going to think we leave on 20 feet of cloth while taking a shower. That means we could never wash our hair. And that means we must be greasy, violent hairballs. Oh, and, Ten Commandments with beards? You're thinking of the Hassidim.

C.D.: Okay, but obviously this guy kept his on. Do you think he had any of the other four "Ks" with him in the shower? That knife or whatever?

T.S.S.: I'd have to pay closer attention, but I am pretty sure he doesn't have the kirpan , the knife. He might have the kara and the kashara - the steel bangle and clean underpants - but why would he do that? He's showering. And because he has his turban on, his comb kanga is probably neatly tucked away in its folds, but this makes no sense. The turban would get wet in the shower. Why would he wear it?

C.D.: Is it true that Viagra was going to get Herb Dhaliwal to do this commercial, and then almost went with Ujjal Dosanjh? Sub-question: Are Herb and Ujjal related?

T.S.S.: As far as I know, Liberal MP and former cabinet minister Herb Dhaliwal and newly minted Liberal candidate Ujjal Dosanjh were never in the running to appear in Viagra's latest spot. Paul Martin, to my knowledge, gave up his job casting for Viagra in order to avoid a conflict of interest, so the commercial was likely cast by someone to whom "they" don't all "look the same." Although, I am told, we'll be hearing about Ujjal getting wet very soon.

Sub-answer: related less than Larry and Gordon Campbell, Glen and Christy Clark(e).

C.D.: How many white people have asked you turban-related questions in your life, not including customs officials?

T.S.S.: I never kept count. But more than 10, and probably less then a few hundred. I am happy to answer all questions and dispel myth. You ever hear about the one about how all Sikhs had to live West of their local gurdwara? This is observation without investigation; the local white community saw all Sikhs living amongst their own, which happened to be to one side of the gurdwara . They made a conclusion.

It's what went wrong with the commercial. In their haste to seem progressive and inclusive, they shoehorned a funny-looking towel-head into a spot selling the new Spanish Fly, without bothering to ask. anyone , if they got it even halfway right. I suppose it didn't matter. Turban, brown skin, a beard is what the exotic quota asked for, and it's what it got. Accuracy be damned.

C.D.: Do you expect any more sardars to be appearing in television commercials?

T.S.S.: A strong republican streak will likely prevent us from hawking Dairy Queen or Burger King - and don't even ask about Imperial margarine. I expect there will be many more examples of ignorant placement of visible minorities of all kind. This wasn't even the first sardar to make his way into a major commercial. You will recall the smiling Sikh family in the 'Diversity' Air Canada commercials of the late nineties. If that didn't raise a few eyebrows, nothing would.